The Cleveland Browns, in their infinite wisdom, have fired their head coach now. Sure, Butch Davis officially resigned but that dog don’t hunt. Some say this was the right time for the team and coach to part ways. Maybe they should’ve thought of this before Davis got rid of everyone in the front office, from the VP of football operations to Super Bowl-winning GMs down to the media relations guy. Maybe you should’ve fired him at the appropriate time following a sad-sack season and before he cleaned house. Instead, you put him on the hot seat because his team lost to Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, and in Baltimore. Yeah, how dare he lose to those teams with a combined 27-6 record. So, now they got a new coach who’s first job is to try and beat the 10-1 World Champion New England Patriots. Nice planning. But I guess a franchise that will be starting it’s fourth rebuilding process in it’s only six seasons isn’t real good at planning.

Of course, the team will now try to create a team in keeping with it’s championship history. Yeah, ancient history. They’re is only one way today’s fans measure championships: Super Bowls. Try explaining this to a Browns fan and they get quite defensive. I know, I’ve tried. They can’t seem to comprehend that no one, besides them, cares about their last “NFL Championship.” It was 40 years ago. Get over it. There were only, like, ten teams in the league then. Half of your other championships weren’t even in the NFL. They were in the AAFC and only had one post-season game. Yeesh, talking about resting on your laurels.

As a Bengals fan, I should be pretty pleased because our division is quickly becoming one of the stronger in the NFL and keeping the Browns down would only benefit us. But I lived most of my life in the presence of Browns fans and they get on my nerves. Almost as badly as those whining Notre Dame fans. Man, listening to them calling in sports-talk show bashing Ty Willingham and bitching about 10-2 seasons. Wow, do not get me started on those elitist punks with their unrealistic expectations.

“Bah, science. Has science ever kissed a woman, or won the Super Bowl, or put a man on the moon?”

Can someone explain to me why the Bengals continue to ask to receive the opening kickoff? I mean, our special teams are only a threat to ourselves. They have yet to do anything offensively on their opening drive but go three and out or humiliate themselves like yesterday. Carson threw two horrible passes that put us down 7-0 in the game’s first thirty seconds. Although, that was an eternity compared to UC’s destruction Saturday. (That logo stomping doesn’t seem like a good idea right now, does it, fellas?) And how come Chad Johnson gets so many false start penalties? And someone needs to inform our defense that, just because the Bengals don’t use a tight end, doesn’t mean you don’t cover the other team’s TEs. Not that we bothered to cover their receivers, either.

Sorry about that first paragraph. I wrote it during the rough patches of yesterday’s rollercoaster shoot-out, and there were a lot of them. After reflecting on the weekend, all is well now. The Bengals came out on top of yesterday’s barn-burner and UC is bowl-bound. Sure, it’s only the Fort Worth Bowl but after losing to Army this year, we’re lucky to get anything.

“My name is George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”

I panicked. I originally picked the Cowboys to with the Turkey Day game. Then I looked at the screen and the Bears were on their hideous bright orange jerseys and I think it caused a seizure of some sort. I went over the computer and foolishly changed my pick. Also, I had no idea that Jonathan Quinn was still on the team, let alone their back-up. If you’re the Bears and you have Quinn on your roster, you should be required to forfeit the rest of your games. And Payton Manning did better in less than three quarters of play, then the other six quarterbacks combined who played in the two games. There’s a lot of teams out there with quarterback problems. For the last few years, I felt the NFL was a buyer’s market for QBs. Guys with seasons of experience as starters like Jeff Blake, Shaun King, Kordell Stewart, and Kerry Collins were lucky to even find jobs as back-ups. Now the quarterback position is in chaos on multiple teams (most of which we saw Thursday) and a guy like Drew Brees is finding himself in a seller’s market. (here’s proof, Jeff George has a job.) Wow, Brees’s playing out of his gourd at the right time.

Bengals over Browns
Vikings over Jags
Eagles over Giants
Chiefs over Chargers
Panthers over Bucs
Titans over Texans
Steelers over Redskins
Falcons over Saints
Pats over Ravens
Bills over Seahawks
49ers over Dolphins
Jets over Cards
Broncos over Raiders
Packers over Rams

If you don’t believe my picks, check out the video-game simulated results, both ESPN and Madden.

Wow, the 49ers taking on the Dolphins. Too bad it’s not 20 years ago. Then maybe I wouldn’t pluck out my eyes at the thought of having to watch it.

“I’m not even supposed to be here. I’m just ‘Crewman Number Six.’ I’m expendable. I’m the guy in the episode who dies to prove how serious the situation is. I’ve gotta get outta here.”

TBS is airing one of the more underrated and underappreciated movies of the 1990s tonight. (Johnny thinks so, too.) It stars Tim Allen, Alan Rickman, Sigourney Weaver, Tony Shaloub, and the guy who’s playing Zaphod Beeblebrox in the upcoming Hitchikers movie. You don’t really remember it, do you? C’mon, they’re out-of-work actors from a long-cancelled, Star Trek-like show called Galaxy Quest. Okay, now some of you are remembering it. It had a fairly successful theatrical run and fairly decent critical reviews. Besides the great cast, it had some pretty funny stuff when they have to play their parts for real… in outer space. While it does make fun of the geek crowd and mock the convention scene, there’s a lot of appreciation in the movie for the cheesy sci-fi shows and the fans who support it.

Speaking of the convention scene, this weekend is the Mid-Ohio Comic Con. Despite the urging from Wil Pfeifer, I decided not to go. While I would like to see a major comic book convention and this one is the closest, the holiday weekend timing didn’t really work for me. The line-up of stars didn’t really knock me out, either. Maybe next year.

So, after you watch Galaxy Quest on TBS tonight, flip over to adult swim on Cartoon Network at 11:30 for the Venture Brothers. If you miss tonight, they’re showing reruns Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights at midnight. I’ve told you before, it’s good stuff. You should be watching. They’re all done with season 1, and no word yet on a season 2. Although, there’s some kind of Christmas special coming up next month, I think.

“It is the guy from Depeche Mode. He’s with a woman?”
“Oh yeah, he’s totally straight. I saw a story about him on the VH1.”
“But he’s the guy from Depeche Mode!”

Want to see a movie featuring a final battle between Spider-Man and the Green Goblin but just can’t stand Kirsten Dunst? (Believe it or not, Maderer, there are folks out there that aren’t that keen on her.) Want to see a Spidey movie without Tobey Maguire under the mask? Don’t want to see the multi-million dollar special effects? Then you’re in luck. The folks at Alpa Dog Productions have come through for you. And they did it ten years before Sam Raimi and company.

FF type: Story
This clocks in at fifty minutes! This is a near feature-length film. It follows the return of Norman Osborne, his descent once again into the madness that is the Green Goblin, and his final battle with Spider-Man.

Production Quality: (3.5) I want to cut this film some slack. It is over ten years old and the equipment to put together a project like this is much more difficult now than in the early 1990s. But there’s still some flaws that you can’t blame on technology. The Spidey costume is underwhelming. The Goblin outfit isn’t that far off from the crappy one in the real movie. Some decent stunt-work. Good use of music and sound effects help out a lot.

Performances: (3) Not exactly spectacular or amazing. I get the feeling some casting was involved but probably not from a large pool. And I can’t get too down on them cause they sometimes didn’t have the best dialogue to work with.

Fan quotient: (3.5) The actors recap a lot of what you need to know, but it relies pretty heavily on the source material. But a lot of the interesting aspects come from how they adapt the classic storyline onto the screen.

Entertainment Value: (3) Again, probably not too interesting for many people. By the end, as it gets more and more over the top, you may be laughing at it. But that counts as entertainment, right? It is also pretty interesting how similar the ending is to the eventual “real” movie. Right down to the torn mask allowing people to see part of Peter’s face and the closing in a graveyard.

FF obtainment: (4) I spent a while tracking it down and only found it at iFilm. I ran into a lot of dead ends due to linkrot. Man, that’s a fun word.

The Green Goblin’s Last Stand: 17 out of 25.

That means it’s not recommended for the mainstream web audience. Probably not a fair score. It probably would have been more impressive if we saw it before the big budget version came out. And this not for everyone. Like I said, it’s a long time in front of the computer. But it’s an interesting look at a time when no Spider-Man movie was on the horizon. This is pretty much fan film-making at it’s purest.

We’ll see how much the director’s skills have improved as he’s making another movie starring Wolverine.

“I’m you. You’re me. And this is a gun.”

It looks like April 22 opened up on my social calender. The movie based on Firefly has been pushed back and now Serenity will open up on September 30. Hopefully, this will help the marketing efforts of the films and not the actions of some dumb turkey.

Speaking of turkeys, what NFL genius sheduled today’s game between the Bears and Cowboys? I love the fact that the Cowboys and Lions always play and I want to keep that tradition. But the Bears? Other than the third largest market, what makes this an attractive match-up? Yeesh, someone has to win this game? I guess the Bears win and the Colts run over the Lions like they run over everyone else. I got 12 right last week so maybe I know what I’m talking about again.

I also want to point out while I usually don’t enjoy John Madden commenting on a game, I really miss him and Pat Summerall on Thanksgiving day games. That seemed the perfect day for them to be on our TVs while tryptophan is taking it’s toll.

“You can’t flag the king!”

Bryan is now old. Well, he’s been old since his birthday party was Friday night. But he maintains you have to measure time from the moment you were “ejected” from your mother. Thirty years ago today was just that time.

Jeff Archiable did actually have his birthday on Friday. To celebrate, here’s a picture of Frenchie, himself, as a candy-corn vampire.

Poor Jill, we hardly knew ye. As a birthday present, I allowed Jeff the honor of posting the 600th comment on my blog.

“Because of what happened before the commercial, I would like to apologize to all blind people and children.”

Some of you might have heard there will be a Halo movie. I gotta wonder why. Not that I wouldn’t mind seeing Master Chief on the big screen, but how can a movie be anywhere near as profitable as the video game. Then again, I also have no idea why they’re remaking Evil Dead again, either. I’m sure I’ll see the flick when it comes out but the story part of it ain’t why I love Halo. (It’s the killing of others.) Besides, how could any Halo movie improve over Red vs. Blue?

Speaking of RVB, season 3 is in full effect. They’ve even managed to work Halo 2 in there. You can get the first two seasons on DVD. Kelley was kind enough to get that for me so I’m good in that category. And you could be, too. So, if you haven’t seen it in a while, catch up. And for you Sims 2 fans, they haven’t neglected The Strangerhood. First two episodes are up now. And it looks like someone’s already dead!

In other movie news, some Fantastic Four footage leaked onto the web. The special effects are only in the rough draft stage but I still like what I see. The first pics of Dr. Doom don’t look too bad, either.

Some good casting news for the Superman movie: Kevin Spacey will be Lex Luthor.

They still have a lot of work to do to be as good as the best super-hero movie ever, The Incredibles. X-Men 2 is still the best comic book movie but I think Pixar one-upped them. Too bad there will probably be no sequel.

“Look at what I took credit for finding.”

Playcalling inside the shadow of your own gaol line is an artform. For the Cincinnati Bengals, it was more like Colorforms Sunday. Up 7-3 with all the momentum, the Men in Stripes forced a questionable pass that was picked off and ran into the end zone. Later, on the final drive, they put Carson into the shotgun where he ends up in the end zone when he drops to pass. Despite having plenty of time and still having a pair of timeouts, they forced the first-year starter into a position that led to a safety. The Steelers got 9 points out of those two plays, enough for them to win and the offense wasted a confusingly effective defensive effort. Despite this, Marvin Lewis chewed out all his players: We cannot acceept mediocrity. Good for you. Now don’t forget to criticize the playcalling while you’re criticizing the team.

On a brighter note, I actually picked 11 games right yesterday. It’s nice having all the teams back from their bye weeks.

My other Cincinnati football team also made a foolish play inside their own five yard line. Never pitch the ball back to a runningback in the end zone. Not only was he swarmed back there, but he lost the ball resulting in a touchdown for the other team. Despite this, UC won convincingly to become bowl eligible. It was the final home game for four-year starter Gino Guidugli who has been making up his for his disappointing sophomore and junior years. Who knows, QB #8 may have played himself onto an NFL roster next year.

“Jessica Tandy joins us to share the joys and sorrows of being really, really horribly old.”

You all know what I’m talking about because, at some point this week, someone came up to you and apologized for their part in what is now considered the greatest offense in the history of humankind. (Well, at least it was until Friday night. But I already started writing this so I’m sticking with this.) The NFL frowned upon Monday night’s incident. ABC apologized. The Eagles apologized. Even T.O. apologized. The only person I haven’t heard apologize yet it the company that made the towel Sheridan dropped. But since everyone is falling over each other trying to apologize for this, I’m sure it’s coming. The FCC is looking into this. I can see why. Listen to these charges: Setting back women’s issues? Racially offensive?!? Wow. I am missing something apparently. I saw a mildly amusing sketch with maybe a little too much friskiness. But I guess this is helping The Man continue social dominance and is keeping women from getting a promotion in the business world.

No, I’m not buying that. But I’m am buying that White America is offended by a blonde actress coming onto a black athlete. I would’ve thought that theory laughable but the country seems to be regressing lately so knee-jerk over-reactions to harmless skits before meaningless games is not surprising. We wouldn’t be talking about this if the Desperate Housewife jumped into Peyton Manning’s arms or Brett Favre’s. (Although, I wonder if we would if she seduced Donovan McNabb or some other black athlete deemed “safer” than T.O. by White America. You know, like a Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan.) Depsite this being the 21st Century, we’ve got a long way to go apparently.

The point is that how can you take this sketch seriously? I mean, it even made fun of itself. Teri Hatcher
and the Sports Night chick immediately make fun of the overdramatization and foolish acting. Apparently, they saw what was coming.

Week 11 Picks:
Big Ben derailed today in the Jungle? Another big KC-type upset win? Ah, no.
Steelers over Bengals
Cardinals over Panthers
Ravens over Cowboys
Broncos over Saints
Vikings over Lions
Colts over Bears
Browns over Jets
Bucs over 49ers
Rams over Bills
Titans over Jaguars
Seahawks over Dolphins
Chargers over Raiders
Falcons over Giants
Eagles over Redskins
Texans over Packers
Patriots over Chiefs

And don’t forget, the Eagles are offended. I can see that.

“Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.”