You probably heard the news by now: Carson Palmer has signed the largest deal in NFL history… for now. (You know how these things are, someone will have a bigger contract by March.) On the surface, this is an amazing move by a franchise that has a reputation as being something of a penny pincher. It wraps up the franchise quarterback that Cincinnati has been so desperately searching for since the first Bush was in office. It sends a message to current players and potential free agents that Bengals who perform will be rewarded. So, what moron could possibly think there could be a downside to this? I guess just me.

Carson Palmer was signed through 2008, so it’s not like there was a huge rush to get this done. He wasn’t going anywhere until the next presidential election. As a fan, I was a little more worried about the offensive linemen who are not signed past next season. I guess CP’s contract gives the team some flexibility to re-sign whomever they want. But I’m sill a little worried about the fact that this contract will be on the team’s books for the next eight years. The team is comitted to Carson, for better or worse. Sure, he’s had a great season. But, as unlikely as it is, what if he’s a one-year wonder? What if he gets hurt? Palmer’s agent, David Dunn, even compared the deal to Daunte Culpepper’s. The Vikings could be attached to a quarterback with a bad knee for years to come. I guess I’m just worried that the Bengals could be saddled with a deal that could hobble this team if something goes wrong with Palmer on the field.

Also, I think it’s a little crazy to have a deal that goes until 2014. The salary cap may not even be around next year. And there’s no guarentee that society as we know it will still be around when the contract runs out. Skynet may have assumed control, the living dead may be walking the Earth, or this might become a planet where apes evolve from men. I mean, 2014 is a long way off. Or maybe I’m a long way off.

“What is this, Vegas?”
“No sir, this is the White House.”

I haven’t really done anything in the realm of fan films lately but I did review more amateur efforts this year than last year. At first, I was pretty regular, having a Fan Film every Friday. This year, I’ve taken many hiatuses (haiti? haitum?). Some due to laziness, other times just to sit back and wait for worthy Fan Films to reveal themselves.

In countdown fashion, #1 is the last one on the list. Underneath the movies are the overall score (out of 25) I gave the films. If there was a tie between movies, the tie-breaker was simply a gut reaction: which one do I want to see more right now?

20. Star Trek: Hidden Frontier
(12)
19. Bite Me, Fanboy
(13)
18. Black Panther
(16)
17. Ghostbusters in LA
(16)
16. Hulk: Aftermath
(17)
15. Debil Dead
(17)
14. Cape Chaser
(17)
13. Waiting For Serenity
(18)
12. Anakin Dynamite
(18)
11. The Death of Batman
(18.5)
10. Doom Raiders
(19)
9. Mosquito
(19)
8. King Kong: Don’t Mess With The Monkey
(20)
7. Sith Apprentice
(20)
6. Indiana Jones and the Treasure of the Templars
(20.5)
5. Robin’s Big Date
(20.5)
4. Alias: The Lost Episode
(22)
3. Batman: New Times
(23)
2. Losing Lois Lane
(23)
1. Star Wars Ep III: A Lost Hope
(24)

The scoring system has been tough to come up with, but I think I understand how it works now. The closer the score is to 25, the more likely a wide range of people are to like them. For example, I’m sure Mosquito will be adored by Firefly fans. But to anyone who hasn’t seen any of those episodes, pretty much a yawner.

“If you can’t do something smart, do something right.”

This is it! Your chance to move up the 2005 quote standings, keep your rivals at arm’s length, or improve your station. As promised, here is the Sock Drawer’s suped-up lightning round for the quote contest. Remember, most of you will not get full credit for a quote. I changed up the grading curve from the last time. Those who have 45 or more points will need to guess four right to gain a point. Those who have 30 or more points will need to guess three right to gain a point. Those who have 15 or more points will need to guess two right to gain a point. Those who have under 15 points will gain a point for every correct guess. To someone who is not currently on the standings board, you will get two points for your first correct guess. Then just one after that.

Sometimes, I would leave clues in the blog entry, so I’ve linked back to the day the quote debuted, just like the first lightning round.

“Objection. Conjecture. Conjection.” August 03, 2004

“But what if when I’m putting on the nose, the snowman comes to life and tries to kill me?!”
“When has that ever happened except that one time?” August 13, 2004

“I make stabby.” August 23, 2004

“But see! That’s what I’m talking about! Now he’ll send **** after the rest of us and he’ll go totally sickhouse on our asses! I *like* my ass gentlemen.” August 26, 2004

“Holy dammit Christmas!” September 1, 2004

“Now that we’ve exchanged pleasantries and hot panda milk, let’s talk business.” September 2, 2004

“I have only three active brain cells, and even I knew that.” September 4, 2004

“Mandalay! I’ve come aflame again!” September 9, 2004

“You wanna know why Joey Ramone’s my hero? Cause people like you never managed to grind him down. They never stole his spirit. He never gave in. Never gave up and never sold out right til his last breath. And he’s not dead. Guys like that… they live forever.” September 11, 2004

“We here at the Disney apologize to Ray Lewis. We… believe Trent Dilfer Sucks. To make up with Ray, Disney has created a cartoon to show we our sorry.” (an extra point if you name the title of the cartoon.) September 12, 2004

“Woodgod: Half man, half goat. All ass-kicker.” September 18, 2004

“Your scientists have yet to discover how neural networks create self-consciousness, let alone how the human brain processes two-dimensional retinal images into the three-dimensional phenomenon known as perception. Yet you somehow brazenly declare seeing is believing?” September 22, 2004

“Which of your obsessive-compulsive fixations is behind today’s summons?” September 23, 2004

“Friends are just enemies who don’t have the guts to kill you.” September 24, 2004

“This game is stupid! You spend an hour hanging wind chimes and then you fight? What kind of game is that?” September 26, 2004

“You see, the thing about heaven is that heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in heaven. Like, well, singing, talking to God, watering pot plants.” September 30, 2004

“I’ve been calling you. Why haven’t you been answering my calls?”
“You’re dead.”
“Oh yeah… that.” October 4, 2004

“Planting a timebomb in a local library is a felony.” October 15, 2004

“Uh, Mr. President… You’re on the floor.”
“No shit?” October 16, 2004

“Good Lord! I think you’ve stumbled on the recipe for ’suck.’” October 18, 2004

“Snow is beautiful, don’t you think? Clean, uncompromising–like the swift hand of vengeance.” October 20, 2004

“If you cannot convince them, confuse them.” October 21, 2004

“Do I look like someone who cares what God thinks?” October 22, 2004

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” October 23, 2004

“Hulk want Slurpee!” October 29, 2004

“This is stupid. I wish we weren’t penguins and that our show wasn’t cancelled.” October 30, 2004

“Ah. You have a burpy tummy.” November 2, 2004

“Organic web-shooters! Now there’s something you’ll never see in a movie!” November 4, 2004

“Some monkey in the Pentagon is gonna cook our goose. His finger’s on the button all he needs is the cue.” November 20, 2004

“Look at what I took credit for finding.” November 23, 2004

“Because of what happened before the commercial, I would like to apologize to all blind people and children.” November 24, 2004

“I’m you. You’re me. And this is a gun.” November 26, 2004

These are the leftover quotes from September, October, and November of last year.

From what I’ve noticed, nothing gets people talking more during the holiday season that a movie about gay cowboys. At two separate social outings, this Brokeback Mountain film gets brought up. And boy, did it bring up some debate. Especially among the ladies. From what they were talking about, I guess Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal hook up. And to most of the ladies, this idea disturbed them. One even said this would “ruin” her fantasies of them.

It’s tough for me to understand this concept. I mean, if such a movie existed starring Angelina Jolie and Keira Knightley, it would actually improve their fantasy value. Don’t believe me? Check out David Spade’s Brokeback sequel idea. Now that’s what I’m talking about. From what I understand, dude-on-dude action isn’t as popular for women as the lesbian genre is in most guy’s book. Heck, some females I’ve heard would rather watch two women go at it then two men. And gay guy stuff is definitely not a popular attraction for most men so who the hell is going to see this movie? You make this movie with a couple chicks, though? You might have a box-office recordbreaker on your hands.

“Looking like a hero. Six-gun at my side. Chewing my tobacco… Indians on the warpath.”

This came up on Amazon:

Recommended because you added Serenity to your Shopping Cart:

334.		Panasonic ER411NC Nose and Ear Hair Groomer Average Customer Review: Release Date: May 16, 2002

“She is startin’ to damage my calm.”

Okay, this one goes out to the ladies. Like I did back during Dating Week, I’m going to throw out a scenario that I’ve encountered in my dating life so I can get some outside perspective. This time, it involves something that happened during a couple dinner dates. We go out someplace, order food, and I don’t finish my meal. She cleans the plate and it looks like I barely touched mine.

So, ladies, how detrimental is this to me? Is it a bad sign if a guy is not a big eater? Does it hurt me that they can put it away and I can’t? Do women start getting self-concious if their plate is empty and mine isn’t? How bad do I botch things by not finishing my meal?

For more dating fun, check out dupree’s recent dating forays. Read his take on 8 minute dating, things to remember about dating, and women in general.

“You get to live. But no guarentees.”
“That’s not a reward for me. That’s a reward for all the fine ladies in the universe.”

It’s the defining holiday movie of my generation. What’s the only way to make it better? Performed in 30 seconds with bunnies. Okay, it’s not better. But it is pretty funny.

And if you like that, you’ll like more half-minute summaries starring rabbits, check out the rest from Angry Alien.

White Christmas 2005
Originally uploaded by Woodmania.

Anyway, here’s a shot of my parents’ house which is once again sporting a decent amount of snow during the holidays. I had sent a similar picture to friends of mine a couple years ago since many of them lived in the south. I figured those in warm weather would like a glimpse of a White Christmas. What do I get for my trouble? One of those “friends” shows me what his Christmas is like. While I was breaking my back shovelling snow, Bacon sends me a picture of him outside in a hot tub enjoying the baumy Ft. Myers weather. Jerk. I was considering sharing that picture and emberrassing him, but that would be punishing those who don’t deserve it. Instead, here’s a shot of Scuba Santa at the Newport Aquarium. Much better suited for the holiday than shirtless Bacon. Don’t you think? Merry Christmas, everybody!

“Beauty is a curse on the world. It keeps us from seeing who the real monsters are.”

Whoops, the year’s coming to an end and a quote contest is looking to be crowned. I hadn’t updated the standings in over a month. I still wanted to get a lightning round in next week so there still might be some shuffling on the board. Stay tuned for your last chance to make some noise before ‘05 is done. Also, don’t be afraid to double check my numbers. My math is bad and there was that glitch at the beginning of the month so there might be a miscalculation or two in there.

Quote Round-Up
Logan 53
dupree 40
The Goat 36
Eric 32
Rinnert 25
Jeff 22
Kerry 18
Amy 16
Greg Burgas 12
Tom the Dog 10
Kelley 6
Z-Man 6
Maderer 4
Jeremy 3
Heather 3
Becky 2
Zandra 1
Herb 1
KT 1
Amanda 1

And here’s the standard explanation of the contest for those who just got here and have no idea what is going on: At the end of every blog entry, I leave you with a quote. Be the first one to make a comment stating where the quote from and you get a point. Anyone can guess. Even if new entries are put up, all previous unclaimed quotes from 2005 are still fair game. Whoever has the most points at the end of the year is the winner.

Remember, if you’ve got a blog and you want me to put a link in your name in the standings like I did with dupree, Rinnert, Logan, and Greg Burgas, let me know.

“Please don’t take a turn for negative town.”

Is this a preview of what to expect in the Bills-Bengals game? Chad Johnson would love to get a deer on the field. Apparently, that’s against NFL regulations. Or the ASPCA’s. Or both. I’m sure he’ll come up with something good. It’s been a banner year for his post-TD performances and will have something good for when the Bills come to town.

Whenever I think of a Bill-Bengals game, I actually don’t think of match-ups between Boomer and Jim Kelly, I think about one game I went to see in person. But the show was actually in the stands. Me and MOe were sitting next to a drunken retard. I know a lot of people have say that, but I mean it literally. This was a mentally handicapped individual who had drank alcohol. Apparently, a lot of it. He was also a wrestling fan as he would keep yelling at various Bills players saying things like “Hey, Flutie! Suck this!” and then gesture to his crotch region. Eventually, he stopped yelling and by the second half, he was napping peacefully. I guess the little guy got tuckered out with all the excitement. What happened in the game, itself? I have no idea. But that classy little fellow made it worth the price of admission.

“Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.”

Click here if you can’t see the picture of Chad Johnson riding a reindeer.

Have you seen that wicked commercial with a house that lights up in accordance with this crazy Christmas music? Here’s the video. Although, I can’t get it to work. Here’s one that worked for me. The music is by the Trans Siberian Orchestra. Apparently, that house is in Ohio. Apparently, they shut down the display because it got too much attention. Apparently, the lights are actually synched up to songs that are broadcast on a low-frequency FM signal. Apparently, it’s in the Cincinnati area. Man, I would go see that. No wonder they shut it down. I would spend all night there staring at it and being so gosh darn entertained.

Oh, apparently, Amy talked about this a while ago. Which is good because she provided a good link to download a full clip. Definitely worth a look-see. I mean, this guy put all this work into it, probably more than anyone should, so everyone should go enjoy. I know I’ll be staring at it into the late hours of the night.

“Anything’s possible with Commander Cuckoo Bananas in charge.”