Nagel Visit-2

Originally uploaded by Woodmania.

Just wanted to toss out some congrats to my pal, Nagel, and his new bride, Teri. Nagel’s been one of my boys since my Hopkinsville days and it’s nice, for a change, to see him have success with the ladies. Even though he’s lived all over the country, the wedding’s up in Dayton so it’s much more attendable than some of the other weird spots he’s been. As for the big question, how does this affect this blog? The normal YouTube fun will be tomorrow and tomorrow’s normal football breakdown will be moved to Monday due to the weekend’s festivities and the Bengals 4:15 kickoff.

Oh, and points go out to everyone who congratulates Nagel and sends condolences to Teri.

Chad Johnson Pep Rally

Originally uploaded by Woodmania.

I understand #85’s antics rub some people the wrong way at times. I’ve heard on multiple occassions that Chad should not worry about anything off the field and just worry about producing on Sundays. Well, he has accomplished something off the field pretty much considered impossible. He got the personification of “coach speak”, Bill Belichick, to partake in some trash talk. See for yourself. For that alone, you have to give CJ major credit.

“I went back to check some of my own personal files, and they’d been classified. These are my files!”
“It’s not my fault that there are things about yourself that you’re just not cleared to know.”

Can’t Believe I’m Excited About This

Uploaded by Woodmania.

I actually filled up my car today on gas that cost less than $2 a gallon. When was the last time I did that? I have no idea. Either it happened before I had this site (over 2 1/4 years ago) or it apparently wasn’t a big enough deal to be blogworthy back then. Not sure which. But it sure seemed absolutely amazing to me when I pulled in to the Flying J in Beaver Dam, Ohio. Hopefully, this will not be a one-time thing and we’ll see these prices expand across the country. But, more than likely, it’ll be close to $3 a gallon before you even know it. Damn oil tycoons. Wish I was one.

“Those lights are blinking out of sequence.”
“Make them blink in sequence.”

"Eye On The Ball, Ryan"

Originally uploaded by Woodmania.

Nike’s “Brisco High” commercials are pretty much a young football player’s wet dream. The young man, “Ryan”, lives the ideal life. Neon Deon Sanders is his dad, the kid’s got a smokin’ hot step-mom, he’s the apple of Jillian Barberie’s eye, and Lee Corso is the school mascot. And depsite the fact that his teammates are mostly NFL Pro Bowlers like LaDanian Tomlinson, Brian Urlacher, and Michael Vick, it comes down to this one boy to win a high school football game in the closing seconds. Pretty stupid if you actually thin about it. But it’s a catchy commercial and “Spirit In The Sky” adds a surreal touch to it.

But there’s one thing that kind of sticks out to me: what role does Steve Young play? He’s not one of the coaches like Don Shula (Shula?!? Does anyone under 18 even know who he is?), or seen in the classroom like teaching like Jimmy Johnson. But it’s clear that there’s a connection between Young and this “Ryan.” He’s more than just a fan. What other roles are left? Then I figured it out: Steve Young is the dirty booster that brought Ryan to Briscoe High. Yeah, he promised the kid bribes to be on this football team. It’s the only role left not fulfilled by the other celebrities.

I imagine that Steve’s the one that scouted young Ryan and fawned over the lad, tossing money and other bribes to get Ryan to come to Briscoe. He’s sitting in the kitchen with Deon and Jill Arrington, pushing a Property of Briscoe High duffel bag full of cash across the table. And now that Young has gone to such lengths to secure Ryan’s WR skills, he wants results. And dammit, Ryan better deliver with a game-winning touchdown that means eternal glory for Steve Young’s alma mata, Briscoe High School. It’s a good thing he did or the crafy lefty would have foreclosed on Neon Deon’s house and had his goons rough him up a bit, too.

No one else sees that scenario? Just me?

“I want a Quicktime of my minty-fresh entrance on my webpage by tomorrow!”

This Visor Needed Instructions With It

Originally uploaded by Woodmania.

I just see people at the stadium and I wonder what the hell are they thinking. We all remember this guy, don’t we? Yeah, I spent some blogspace on that unique ensemble. Not as egregious, this time. It’s less of a fashion check than a brain check. Here is a fellow fan at the last Reds home game of the season. I’m proud of him for sporting the home colors, but it’s the visor I don’t get. I mean, isn’t the whole point of the visor to supply a bill that provides shade for your eyes? As far as I know, that is the only function that such a device can provide. And yet, this fellow has it pointed backwards. So, what’s the point? There’s nothing protecting the top of his head, nor is he properly utilizing the bill-cap function. And are those glasses on the back of his head?


He’s had too much to drink. Cut him off, beer vendor!

“What’s the score?”
“Nothin’ nothin’.”
“Who’s winning?
“The Bears.”

Remember Zap It?

Originally uploaded by Woodmania.

I’ve finally gotten around to the long, painful process of clearing out some of my old junk from my folks’ house. Apparently, I did nothing with my childhood other than accumulate crap. The parental units kept offering to put some stuff in their garage sale, but I ‘ve always felt like that wouldn’t be a good idea to get a quarter for something that’s worth some moula. Of course, that requires me to get it out there where purveyors of old stuff like to hang out: eBay. Check out my eBay items, maybe there’s something you like. There’s only a couple things on there right now (baby steps) so keep checking back. I have a lot of stuff that needs to go.


“Number 23. Peed in the back of a cop car.”
“I’m no longer proud of that.”

Oh, happy day, the Bengals pull off a big victory in Pittsburgh. A win on the road is always good in the NFL. Add into that giving up sic sacks, three turnovers, getting less than 50 yards for our leading rusher, only one catch for our Pro Bowl receiver, questionable play calling, and a defense that was gashed by a 100+ running back and I am thrilled to see Cincinnati at 3-0. I’ll admit I had large doubts at points in the game but, fortunately, those dumb Steelers kept us in the game with bad throws and attempts to catch punts with their face. So as bad as this team looked in the first and third quarter, all that matters out of this game is the “W.” Oh, and it seems like pretty much everyone came out of this game healthy, unlike last week.

Around the NFL:

Congrats to the Goat’s Seahawks. They blew out the Giants so badly I didn’t even bother to watch the game.

Mark Brunell completed 22 straight passes? Had he completed that many all season? Well, it was against the Texans so I don’t have to give him any real credit for that. How’s that Mario Williams pick working out for ya, Houston?

The Packers have more wins than the Bucs. Man, didn’t see that coming. Congrats on Brett on another milestone, but I’m still not sold on this guy being a viable NFL QB at this stage.

I’d give more NFL analysis but, without NFL Primetime, it’s hard to keep up with the games I didn’t actually watch. Guess I need NFL Network and their 7:00 highlight show.

“We say ‘Who Dey?’ They say ‘We Dey!’ We say ‘No Way, Not Again!’”

I’m pretty sure everyone has already seen this but there might be a few stragglers I can help out with this entertaining piece. And if you liked this one, there are two episodes ready to go. And a fourth should be available soon.

“I command you to bring us menus!”

Piss On Steelers

Originally uploaded by Woodmania.

Even though this is the first dust-up between the Steelers and Cincinnati this year, I’ve been thoroughly enjoying myself as I rooted against them these past two weeks. Now it’ll be kicked up a few notches as my Bengals come to Pittsburgh. Getting them back for the whole “We Dey” thing would be nice, too. But it’s gonna be a tough game with all those injuries. Still, I feel confident about Cinci’s chances to go onto Heinz Field and kick the ketchup out of them.

As for this picture, it’s my friend Brian sporting something he found at a local flea market. This rivalry is sparking all sorts of crazy shirts, so you’ll never know what we Bengal fans will be wearing while we’re booing the Black and Gold.
“Hmm, a Ford urinating on a Chevrolet.”

Wrigley’s Scoreboard

Originally uploaded by Woodmania.

This is it! Your chance to move up the 2006 quote standings, keep your rivals at arm’s length, or improve your station. As promised, here is the Sock Drawer’s suped-up lightning round for the quote contest. Remember, most of you will not get full credit for a quote. I changed up the grading curve from the last time. Those who have 45 or more points will need to guess four right to gain a point. Those who have 20 or more points will need to guess three right to gain a point. Those who have 10 or more points will need to guess two right to gain a point. Those who have under 10 points will gain a point for every correct guess. To someone who is not currently on the standings board, you will get two points for your first correct guess. Then just one after that.

Sometimes, I would leave clues in the blog entry, so I’ve linked back to the day the quote debuted, just like the first lightning round.

“Look, I’m the boss here. I say when we use the cell phones. And… people are going to die… and I have to go.” December 2, 2004

“I am from beyond.” December 16, 2004

“That’s ridiculous! There’s no such thing as Santa Claus!”
“Not since he was killed by a jet in 1963, no.” December 25, 2004

“This holiday is yours, but, we all share with you the hope that this day brings us closer to freedom, and to harmony, and to peace. No matter how different we appear, we’re all the same in our struggle against the powers of evil and darkness. I hope that this day will always be a day of joy in which we can reconfirm our dedication and our courage. And more than anything else, our love for one another.” December 26, 2004

“Oh yeah, the pain. It’s not so bad. I hacked up some blood a couple of minutes ago and there was this pink chunk about the size of, uh… one of those little kiwi fruit, but I don’t feel anything missing, so I’m not too worried.” December 28, 2004
“He was the Dean of Martins.” January 3, 2005
“If you act like that, I wouldn’t expect a visit from Moses Claus.” January 4, 2005

“You’re a bigger suck-up than that stupid forest ranger.” January 5, 2005

“I did not come to medical school to murder my class mates no matter how deranged they might be.” January 11, 2005
“Hey, mister! You got the time?”
“As a matter of fact I do, Cubby. It’s about two seconds before I honk your nose and pull your underwear over your head!” January 29, 2005
“Everyone sucks but me! Oh, yeah! Cheer for Tom! Give all your love to Tom.” February 7, 2005
“You don’t fight destiny. No sir! And you don’t eat crackers in the bed of your future or you get all… scratchy.” February 9, 2005
“Look at me! I’m a big man! But I break just like a little girl.” February 17, 2005
“We’re an interstellar squad of superior beings, for God’s sake. Now quit your bitchin’, and get out of the kitchen!” February 23, 2005
“Oh, what luck! There’s a french fry stuck in my beard!” February 20, 2005
“Sometimes I overthink.” March 06, 2005
“I see where Dennis the Menace is one step closer to juvenile hall.” March 8, 2005

“This could be trouble. We better build a fort.”
“I’ll get some pillows.” March 9, 2005
“Instead of announcing my candidacy, I’m announcing you’re all morons.” March 18, 2005
“Dude, you know we have a mission! Shrink rays. Trained Gorillas. Workable prototype jet-packs. And chicks, chicks, chicks. I know that’s the action *I* signed on for!”
March 24, 2005

“I, John Bear, Lacoche warrior, urinate in the river of your ancestors. That is the sound of my mighty urine flowing out from the heavens on your ancestors and their dinner guests.” March 26, 2005
“Some of us need our beauty sleep. Not everyone has your striking metrosexual good looks.” March 27, 2005

“Your stupidity is terminal. And now you’re cured.” April 2, 2005

“Son, F Troop’s on.” April 5, 2005
“This place is supposed to be a secret. That’s the whole point of a secret lair.” April 8, 2005
“I learned that a leader is a man who has the ability to get other people to do what they don’t want to do, and like it.” April 11, 2005
“Yeah? Well, the best defense is a good offense. You know who said that? Mel, the cook on Alice.” April 22, 2005

“You wanna know what the worst part about childhood is? White people.” April 27, 2005

“Why would we want to help somebody? That’s what nuns and Red Cross workers are for.” April 28, 2005
“Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, you sockdologising old man-trap.” May 05, 2005
“Oh my god, look what he’s got on…”
“Are those giant shorts or tiny pants?” May 8, 2005
“You lied to me.”
“I didn’t lie to you. I just didn’t tell the whole truth.”
“You’re such a lawyer.” May 10, 2005
“Do we really have to seize destiny? Can’t we just invite it to join our online circle of friends?” May 15, 2005
“The ratio of people to cake is too big.” May 16, 2005
“He’s so impetuous.”
“Yes, he’s an idiot.” May 17, 2005
“Looked bigger when I couldn’t see him.” May 20, 2005
“We are wasting valueless time here.” May 23, 2005
“Don’t you ever stand for that sort of thing. Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill them right back.” May 24, 2005
“Ah, the new boy. Ears are too long and I miss the cape. But not too shabby. Not too shabby at all.” May 29, 2005
These are the leftover quotes from December of 2004 to May 2005. If I get around to it, I might do another lightning round before the year is out. Until then, enjoy trying to move up in down in the quote standings!